OK, we’re back. Sorry we missed last week. There was a software problem. And no, I’m not telling anyone her name.
Anyway, in the spirit of this holiday season, we celebrate America’s Team.
America’s Team is in second place.
Everyone else is tied for first.
America’s Team’s quarterback told America’s quarterback that he’d see him in February (presumably in the Super Bowl).
America’s quarterback didn’t come through with the tickets yet though.
America’s team’s owner/GM has already shown he can’t manage a Super Bowl without being able to get sponsors and their guests around town, without providing illegitimate seating and without being able to deal with a little bit of – get thisa��snow!
Hey, even the Northeast dealt with a little New York Snow for a Super Bowl.
But Mr. Dallas Cowboy couldn’t clear away a few inches (which is all he has, we hear).
Since winning Super Bowl XXX, they are 3-8 in the playoffs. 3-8!!!
How about maybe we need a new America’s Team?
How about the Patriots, they keep winning all those Super Bowls?
Nah, nobody likes the coach. Everyone hates the MF, actually. Hey, he is a known cheater.
How about the Buccaneers? They’ve got it all: Florida vacation spot; cute uniforms; more playoff wins in the last 20 years than the current a�?America’s Team.a�?
And Lovie Smith for their coach and a Crimi-Nole for a quarterback. Forget it.
Hey, the Dolphins! Even better vacation spot. Revitalized performance under a new head coach. Which lasted two whole games. Not them.
Aha, the San Diego Chargers! Best year-round climate in the U.S. of A. a�?Go Chargers, go!a�? the governor shouted and Boomer Berman always likes to remind us every chance he gets in his regular dumbing-down of the sports broadcast industry. Playoff success though? Didn’t they trade away the quarterback who has since won two Super Bowls? They’re out.
It’s got to be the Bears, right? They’ve got a guy who’s taken two teams to the Super Bowl. One from each conference. How many guys have done that? Besides Don Shula? And Jon Gruden?
Wait a minute… Gruden, of course. The Oakland Raiders, America’s Team! Well, have you ever seen their hardcore fan section? They’re right up there with European soccer fans.
OK, we’ve got to settle on someone. The Jets changed the course of pro football forever. So did the Colts. They changed it so much they moved out of Baltimore. Overnight. With no notice.
Then it’s got to be the Cleveland Browns. They had a Hall of Fame owner. Now they have a former FBI suspect. They had to move to Baltimore to enable their championship rebirth.
Since then, they’ve been recreated in Cleveland and their loyal Dawg Pound fans have returned. They’ve got a new home on the lake. And 42 last-minute losses and only one playoff appearance. The fans clamored in Cleveland for their team to be reincarnated after it bolted for Baltimore.
Be careful what you ask for, Cleveland. Because you got it. Good thing Urban Meyer will be their coach next year.
He will, won’t he? Well, he always wanted to own a truck stop chain.
This leaves us with only one choice for America’s Team. Alabama. Who doesn’t like Nick Saban, right?
America, we need a team.
BEARLY THERE: Two years ago, the Chicago Bears hired a new coach, brought in a new offensive coordinator for Jay Cutler, gave him a revamped offensive line and a new corps of receivers. And even knocked Aaron Rodgers out for six games.
And still missed the playoffs.
This year, they brought in a new head coach, gave Jay Cutler a new offensive coordinator, revamped the offensive line and stocked up on some new receivers for him.
And will miss the playoffs once again.
Maybe they need Tom Ricketts to buy the team and Joe Maddon to coach it.